Hidden Pain
by lovedegrassixx
Summary: She just wanted to be numb.


**Okay so i just came up with this random idea today. Bear with me. It's a bit random/drabble but i don't know i just had to get it out. Let me know if it doesnt completely suck.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, if i did there would totally be a Sean/Emma/Spinner love triangle, and it wouldn't have taken all season for KC and Clare to get together**

"Why are you like this?" He asked me.

I looked at him in disbelief.

"like what?"

"Closed off, you don't share anything about yourself, you were that stupid uniform, it drives me crazy! You make it seem like you don't care about anything!"

"Oh and I'm supposed to just tell you my life story, start wearing regular clothing, and what. What happens then huh? And I don't care about anything, not anymore."

"I don't know exactly." He looks at me and frowns. "I feel like I don't know you."

I shrugged. "Nobody knows me."

"Not even your family?"

"Especially my family!" I exclaimed.

What the hell does this kid want from me? He's trying to get into my head, and I can't let that happen.

"Why?"

"Why should I tell you? If you haven't noticed, I don't know anything about you either." I retorted.

"Fine, you already know that my name is KC Guthrie and I go to Degrassi. My birthday is July 21st I love skateboarding, basketball, and reading. I'm stubborn, rude, and don't have the greatest track record."

"Those are the basics that everyone knows, KC. That's the type of stuff you do know about me."

"So tell me why you're always keeping to yourself."

"If I did then I wouldn't be keeping to myself now would I?"

He kicked the wall next to him and looked a me angrily.

"Dammit Clare! I want to know you, I want to know why you're so damn distracted. Why have the time I don't even know if you hear a word I say!"

"If you ever came close to what I've been through you wouldn't be talking much either."

"What's so bad that you can't tell me? I thought we were friends. I thought we could tell each other everything."

"I'm invisible."

"Excuse me?" He grinned. I heard a chuckle in his reaction too. I began to walk away, of course he didn't understand, no one did.

"Come on Clare, don't walk away. That doesn't make any sense."

I turned around and looked up at him, straight into his eyes, to the point I could tell he knew I was being serious.

"For my whole entire life, I've been little Clare, the ugly one. The one with the glasses, and straight A's and a uniform. I've been the dependable girl, the tamed daughter, the one no one has to worry about. Everyone thinks Clare's okay because if she was in any pain she'd be smart enough to tell someone right?"

He stared at me.

"AM I RIGHT?" His arms came around my waist as he pulled me into his chest.

"I'm so sorry." He mumbled those words over and over.

He was so naïve.

I was at a breaking point, that I knew, I had to tell someone.

"It gets worse." I pulled away from him and start to pace, finally sitting down on a bench.

"Last year, my sister Darcy went to a party at the ski lodge. It was huge with kids from Degrassi and Lakehurst, since the two schools had just combined. She was with her friend Manny and boyfriend Peter, and when she went to the bathroom she left her drink. Someone had put drugs in it. The same person raped her that night. Just stripped her of her innocence, and with that her sanity." I looked over at him, and he stared at me wide eyed.

" That's why she left. She didn't tell anyone what happened until it was too late. My family and I didn't know until she tried jumping off the roof of the school, and cut herself in the girls locker room. For the rest of the year it was all about Darcy, not that it hadn't been before, just now it was even more. Was Darcy okay? How could something like this happen to such an amazing girl? You know what I first thought when I found out? I thought 'that could've been me' and then I started thinking 'God I wish it was me'."

"Why would you want something like that to happen to you Clare?"

"I didn't necessarily want that to happen to me, it shouldn't happen to anyone. I just wanted to be numb. I've had years of hidden pain from being the second best child. I was merely shoved to the side all of my life while Darcy shined. I get good grades because I used to pray my parents would notice and think I was actually special."

"I didn't get to be numb though. I didn't get to have my problems solved beause my parents care so much. I had, and still have to deal with my feelings every day. I wear this uniform because it hides me. It hides how skinny I am, it hides the scars that are still crimson red, it hides me from anyone. After what happened to my sister I became paranoid. I look around every corner, because the guy who raped my sister goes to Degrassi. No one knows who he is, but he's here, and I won't be the next victim."

"I would stay awake at night and listen to Darcy scream through her nightmares, just so I wouldn't have to deal with my own. I was scared, more than my parents, or Darcy's friends, anyone. I was scared I was next. I was afraid that if I let anyone in, or got caught up with people I could end up as broken as Darcy. I wanted to take her pain away so I wouldn't have to deal with my own. And the whole time she went through all of this not one person asked me how I felt or what I needed."

Despite my wants I began to cry. It was uncontrollable.

"My parents don't even know I'm alive anymore, I go for random walks in the night to the park and they don't even know I'm gone. I roam the city after school and they don't even give a damn if I miss dinner or not. I needed to become numb, so I could get away from the pain, the crying, the abandonment, I needed to shut down. So I did."

"Hence why you barely talk to anyone, and why you always seem to not care."

"I can't care KC, caring only hurts you in the end, and I've gone through enough hurt for a lifetime."

"Do you still, you know, hurt yourself?"

"You mean do I still cut, or get rid of everything that touches the back of my throat. No. I haven't in a while. Like I said I shut down."

"And you still wear the uniform?"

"It's easier. I'm not expected to look good, so therefore I don't have to dress up in anyway. I could go to school in a robe and no one would notice."

"I would." He mumbled, just slightly audible.

"So dd you get what you want? Are you happy now that you know my dark secret, that you invaded my mind, and can now tell everyone what a psychopath I am."

"You're not a psychopath, and I'm not going to tell anyone. I just want to help someone."

"You can't help me."

"And why not."

"You can't help someone who doesn't want any help to begin with."

"I can try."

"Good luck."

I started to walk in the direction of the park, my usual nightly ritual, although it is a bit early, but hey who am I to complain."

" Where are you going."

"Anywhere."

"Can I come?"

"I'm not going to stop you."

He walked beside me in silence. I just poured my heart out to him, and the silence is oddly comforting.

"Clare?" Great he ruined it.

"What?"

"I'm here, if you ever need, uh, somebody, or a safe place to go."

"Thanks, I'm fine though."

The numbness has been in my body for months now, getting rid of any feeling I could ever have. Then his hand took a hold of mine and for the first time in so long I felt safe. I started to remember how to feel.


End file.
